project landmine

watch your step

The Truth About “Skip-It”

My facial expression when I first realized the truth.

by Andrew Barker

Skip-it, I am on to you.  It has taken me about 15 years, but my eyes are now open as wide as Michael Jackson’s are in that picture over there.  The way you made yourself blue and pink all for the sake of boys not wanting to be girly and vice versa, but those varieties of colors were a facade for what really lay within.   Did you really think we would never notice?  I, personally, am okay with what you are.  I just wish… I JUST WISH YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO LIE ABOUT IT!  Admit it, you are an exercise machine for kids!

Back when you first introduced yourself to the world in the 80s, you didn’t quite have the luster you needed to become a success in fooling Americans into shape.  It just looked like you were a kid’s version of a ball and chain.  Then Moon Shoes came along and was making it big, still reeling from making everyone jump higher in the 70s, and he had expressed some interest in having you as a roommate to help split the rent at his new beach house.  You needed more sales to be able to afford that and you knew that pretty soon Zoom Ball was going to be giving you a run for your money.  So what did you do?  You did the only thing you could do.  You evolved and added a device that counted skips under the guise of keeping track of high scores.  You had assured us “the very best thing of all, there’s a counter on this ball, so Skip-It, Skip-It!”  A likely story.  The

Apparently 999 is enough skips.

counter is clearly for keeping track of reps. You should have put spaces where expansion packs of weight could be added for more intense workouts, but that would be too obvious, now wouldn’t it??  Any person could order a Skip-It right now and skip and and scream and bop-shoo-bop to firmer glutes… which leads me to my next issue with you, Skip-It: your commercial.  We are all being duped into getting fit and staying active and you can’t even put forth the effort to write a jingle made up entirely of actual words.  I understand the skippin’ part of the song and I can even sort of understand the screamin’ part of the song because we’re indeed skipping AND we’re screaming from the intense workout we’re getting trying to beat our friends’ stupid scores.  But then we enter a whole new territory completely when the term “bop-shoo-bop” gets used… so that’s really all you could come up with to rhyme with the word ‘hop’?  You couldn’t even use the word top??  Like, you could have suggested we all jump and skip “up to the top,” or something.  Who wouldn’t wanna be at the top of the Skip-It realm?  And I thought of that after only a few seconds!  I should probably get into advertising.

But seriously, Skip-It isn’t/wasn’t a bad thing at all.  Have you noticed that you don’t see many Skip-Its around anymore?  Have you also noticed that there is seemingly a big problem with childhood obesity in this country?  Maybe Tiger Toys should bring this product back.  Maybe the government should send Tiger Toys a stimulus check to get production running again.  It would make the government look a lot less stupid after telling kids to get active and eat right, then turn around and ban children from doing chores.  I will just have to start my own Skip-It imitation toy made from buckets filled with rocks.  All you need to do is strap the bucket handle around your ankle and use the wonders of centrifugal force to keep the rocks inside!  It leaves plenty of room to add rocks for more weight and then of course you could start at a high weight and do drop sets!  Oh and the rocks won’t be included.  If the makers of Bop-It don’t have to include batteries then I don’t have to include the rocks. I would run honest adds too.

 “Kids!  Do you want to look like you were carved from stone?  Then try skipping rocks!  No silly, I don’t mean throwing rocks sideways onto a body of water!  I mean by using the new, fun and easy workout machine for kids called Skip-Rocks!  ♫♪ Skip-Rocks! Skip-Rocks!  It burns more calories than going for a walk! ♫♪”

So yeah… Skip-It was basically a cheap personal trainer that will never tell you that you’re fat, but will instead stand by and suggest, “Hey, why not try and beat that high score one more time?”  Do you agree?

About Andrew Barker

Andrew Barker is a comedian with a high school diploma and a pocket full of dreams.

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